More Babies, More Love

Going into my second pregnancy I have mixed emotions. Yes, I am beyond thrilled, feeling extremely blessed and fortunate to have conceived this angel from above, but I am also scared shitless. I’ve done it before, but that doesn’t make me some pregnancy, birthing and parent expert. I still mess up all of the time as a mother and partner, and I only have one child, how will I be with two?

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I am so excited, though. Jaxon was conceived our first try, and our second baby boy, who has started to move around in my tummy this week, was also conceived the first few tries. You don’t think about it until you actually start to want to build a family, but making a baby isn’t always as easy and fortunate as Tyler and I have had it. The more and more I surround myself with moms, moms to be, and women who are trying to become pregnant, the more I realize how truly fortunate we are.

Recently an old friend had told me that she, a mother of one at the time, had miscarried with their second child and just days later her husband had been unexpectedly fired.  Another girlfriend of mine didn’t even know she was pregnant until she was bleeding all over her bathroom floor. And many women I know have tried for months, even years to become pregnant and have had no luck, even with fertilization treatments. It sucks, dude, and I can’t imagine what that must feel like as a woman, but my heart goes out to anyone who has faced issues with becoming pregnant, and I have absolutely no place to talk about these troubles. Again though, you don’t even think about it until you start trying. You just say things like “I’m getting married at 26, getting pregnant at 27, and having a kid at 28,” I mean that’s what we all say, right? Like it’s all that easy, until that thing called ‘life’ hits us square in the face like a motherfucker.

And that’s honestly what scares me most. Life. It never stops. It never gets easier. There is always something. I have to wash the dishes, I have to pack for this trip, I have to take Jax to the doctors, I have to, I have to, I have to. But, why do we always HAVE to do these things? Really, I don’t HAVE to do anything. And that’s what I’m learning with age and experience- I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to and I don’t have to give you an explanation.

Through motherhood I’ve truly simplified what I need in life. All I need is Tyler and Jaxon, my family. As long as us three (going on four) are happy, I am happy. I’ve become so much more selfish because of that. I focus purely on what will make us happy, comfortable and better human beings. I’m not worried about anyone else’s convenience or feelings for that matter like I used to. I used to care so much what people thought, or felt like I HAD to explain to someone why I couldn’t hang out, or had to go out of my way to go see someone… but again, I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do now, is worry about my family. Is that selfish? Or self-LESS?

And it scares me, because my role in this family is becoming that much stronger and prominent. Before I became a mother my role was to look good, give great sex and be my man’s best friend. Now it’s look good, give great sex, be Ty’s best friend, be Jaxon’s best friend, do laundry, clean house, cook every meal, go grocery shopping, run errands, change diapers, and somehow find time for myself. And now I’m adding another BFF and newborn responsibilities on top of all of that?! I just lost the 60 pounds I gained in my first pregnancy, went through hell with breastfeeding, and here I am like sign me up again!! I must be crazy, right?

But I guess all of us are a little crazy. Otherwise life wouldn’t be that fun, would it?

People assume since you’ve done it once, it’ll be a cake walk the second time around. In my opinion it’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you know what to expect, and it’s a curse because you know what to expect. Like I know my body wants to gain 60 pounds, it’s just the box Mother Nature put me in. I’m emotionally scarred from breastfeeding. I have anxiety going into labor and delivery again considering I had it so good last time. My water broke at 5am with Jaxon, my ass even took a shower, blow dried my hair and put on make up before getting to the hospital at 9am. I started pushing at 3pm and by 3:12pm Jaxon was welcomed into this world. Pretty damn incredible, right? But what if doesn’t go as smooth as the first time? I am so scared.

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And beyond coming home with a lumpy ass, stitched vagina and squishy, awkward feeling tummy, more than all of those physical changes, how do I do it again, but this time with another child? How will I give them both the amount of love they desperately need and deserve? My heart is already so full, I feel like it will explode with love with another angel in this world. How will Jaxon react? Will he be excited for his new best friend? Will he feel neglected by his mother who gives him all of the attention in the world currently?  More than anything I worry about him and how he will feel no longer being the only man in the house. I hope he knows all I want to do is give him a play buddy and that he is still my world.

What will it be like with two children on completely different schedules? How will I ever make time for myself? What if we have to move again? How much coffee can the human body handle? Will this baby sleep as well as Jaxon did? Did I have it too good the first time? How will Tyler and I adjust to two children? How will it affect US? Can I handle all of this?

Well, the answer is I don’t know the answer. Ask me in 4 months.

But I do know this: love will get you through anything. Love is the strongest and most powerful tool in the Universe. And if you feed that tool, it will shine, it will grow, and it will glow. So that is my mission going into this second round of pregnancy, child birth and motherhood. Feed my family with love, feed my children with love, and most importantly feed myself with love- because without self-love you cannot truly give the best version of yourself to the ones you love around you.

Love will get you through anything.

So wish me luck guys. I’m only human and have a vast amount of thoughts, what-if scenarios and emotions running through me going into this next chapter of my life, but I do know this: I can fucking do it.

12 thoughts on “More Babies, More Love

  1. I love your blog! You are very real and blunt while allowing your compassion to shine through; great quality! I feel for you with all of those questions and insecurities but somehow know you got this. Sending you many prayers; as a momma of two boys its not always easy and you will make mistakes and that’s okay; but they will love you will all their hearts.

    Many thanks, you helped tremendously with your words of wisdom; my son now has his second tour with a D1 school and I have chilled out (yup crazy momma bear here)! And yes I have fed both my sons your burgers-excellent! Just need to double the recipe for two hungry teens! Keep blogging sister we love it!!

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    1. Gina- thanks so much for reading & taking the time to comment! I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Love that you’re a boy mama, I am SO excited to be in a house of boys, so far it has been nothing short of fun & amazing.

      SO exciting he is already on his second D1 tour! That is absolutely incredible! Goes to show you are doing something right mama bear, keep it going! More recipes for hungry boys to come! XO

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  2. I came across your blog and as a new mommy of two ( baby is 2 months) I had all of these feelings you are experiencing before my son was born. I never said any of those feelings out loud so I found an enormous amount of comfort in reading this. I’m not alone! It’s scary being a mommy especially when all you want to do is be the best one possible. It’s intimidating and takes constant work to be the best. Just like anything else in life. I look forward to reading more of your family posts! You got this! You seem like a great mother and trust me, with your second you will be amazed at how much more love you can give. Doesn’t seem possible. But it surely is!

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    1. Hi Taylor, huge congrats to you & your family with the new LO! I remember having many of these feelings my first pregnancy too, and you never want to say it out loud because you don’t know how it’ll sound, but once you’ve had one, you almost become an old lady and just start saying whatever the f* you want! Ha! Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited to be a mom of two, it’s just crazy to be at this point in my life. I think as mothers we will always wonder how we are doing & question ourselves, but as long as we have happy children, that’s all that matters baby. XO

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  3. Darling, you got this! My first two were 17 months apart. It was hard but everything worthwhile in life is! Please be kind to yourself, take time for yourself, this will make you a better Mom, partner and person in general. I went on to have 3 more and have now been in the game for 26+ years. Wouldn’t change a thing! Wishing you all the best life has to give for you, Tyler and your beautiful family. Maybe consider coming back to New England? 😉😘

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  4. Nancy- Jax & *unnamed sweet boy* will be 19 months apart! After a huge emotional rollercoaster those first 6 weeks, I finally found that “me” time was the best thing. To get away even for just an hour a day did wonders not only for my body but for my mind and soul, so I certainly plan on practicing that with every new baby. We miss NE! Well wishes to you & thanks for supporting my blog, it means so much! XO

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  5. Wow! This post really helped me get more comfortable with having my first baby! We want more eventually, but this really laid it out and made me believe I can do it!! Thanks Kristen for being so real!!

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  6. I can really relate to this and I love your honesty. Before I had my children I also cared SO much about things that no longer matter or are important to me. I tell my husband constantly, as long as the four people that live in this house are happy & healthy nothing else matters to me. Our families truly become our world, thanks for sharing your journey ❤️

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