Going into my second pregnancy I have mixed emotions. Yes, I am beyond thrilled, feeling extremely blessed and fortunate to have conceived this angel from above, but I am also scared shitless. I’ve done it before, but that doesn’t make me some pregnancy, birthing and parent expert. I still mess up all of the time as a mother and partner, and I only have one child, how will I be with two?
I am so excited, though. Jaxon was conceived our first try, and our second baby boy, who has started to move around in my tummy this week, was also conceived the first few tries. You don’t think about it until you actually start to want to build a family, but making a baby isn’t always as easy and fortunate as Tyler and I have had it. The more and more I surround myself with moms, moms to be, and women who are trying to become pregnant, the more I realize how truly fortunate we are.
Recently an old friend had told me that she, a mother of one at the time, had miscarried with their second child and just days later her husband had been unexpectedly fired. Another girlfriend of mine didn’t even know she was pregnant until she was bleeding all over her bathroom floor. And many women I know have tried for months, even years to become pregnant and have had no luck, even with fertilization treatments. It sucks, dude, and I can’t imagine what that must feel like as a woman, but my heart goes out to anyone who has faced issues with becoming pregnant, and I have absolutely no place to talk about these troubles. Again though, you don’t even think about it until you start trying. You just say things like “I’m getting married at 26, getting pregnant at 27, and having a kid at 28,” I mean that’s what we all say, right? Like it’s all that easy, until that thing called ‘life’ hits us square in the face like a motherfucker.
And that’s honestly what scares me most. Life. It never stops. It never gets easier. There is always something. I have to wash the dishes, I have to pack for this trip, I have to take Jax to the doctors, I have to, I have to, I have to. But, why do we always HAVE to do these things? Really, I don’t HAVE to do anything. And that’s what I’m learning with age and experience- I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to and I don’t have to give you an explanation.
Through motherhood I’ve truly simplified what I need in life. All I need is Tyler and Jaxon, my family. As long as us three (going on four) are happy, I am happy. I’ve become so much more selfish because of that. I focus purely on what will make us happy, comfortable and better human beings. I’m not worried about anyone else’s convenience or feelings for that matter like I used to. I used to care so much what people thought, or felt like I HAD to explain to someone why I couldn’t hang out, or had to go out of my way to go see someone… but again, I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do now, is worry about my family. Is that selfish? Or self-LESS?
And it scares me, because my role in this family is becoming that much stronger and prominent. Before I became a mother my role was to look good, give great sex and be my man’s best friend. Now it’s look good, give great sex, be Ty’s best friend, be Jaxon’s best friend, do laundry, clean house, cook every meal, go grocery shopping, run errands, change diapers, and somehow find time for myself. And now I’m adding another BFF and newborn responsibilities on top of all of that?! I just lost the 60 pounds I gained in my first pregnancy, went through hell with breastfeeding, and here I am like sign me up again!! I must be crazy, right?
But I guess all of us are a little crazy. Otherwise life wouldn’t be that fun, would it?
People assume since you’ve done it once, it’ll be a cake walk the second time around. In my opinion it’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you know what to expect, and it’s a curse because you know what to expect. Like I know my body wants to gain 60 pounds, it’s just the box Mother Nature put me in. I’m emotionally scarred from breastfeeding. I have anxiety going into labor and delivery again considering I had it so good last time. My water broke at 5am with Jaxon, my ass even took a shower, blow dried my hair and put on make up before getting to the hospital at 9am. I started pushing at 3pm and by 3:12pm Jaxon was welcomed into this world. Pretty damn incredible, right? But what if doesn’t go as smooth as the first time? I am so scared.
And beyond coming home with a lumpy ass, stitched vagina and squishy, awkward feeling tummy, more than all of those physical changes, how do I do it again, but this time with another child? How will I give them both the amount of love they desperately need and deserve? My heart is already so full, I feel like it will explode with love with another angel in this world. How will Jaxon react? Will he be excited for his new best friend? Will he feel neglected by his mother who gives him all of the attention in the world currently? More than anything I worry about him and how he will feel no longer being the only man in the house. I hope he knows all I want to do is give him a play buddy and that he is still my world.
What will it be like with two children on completely different schedules? How will I ever make time for myself? What if we have to move again? How much coffee can the human body handle? Will this baby sleep as well as Jaxon did? Did I have it too good the first time? How will Tyler and I adjust to two children? How will it affect US? Can I handle all of this?
Well, the answer is I don’t know the answer. Ask me in 4 months.
But I do know this: love will get you through anything. Love is the strongest and most powerful tool in the Universe. And if you feed that tool, it will shine, it will grow, and it will glow. So that is my mission going into this second round of pregnancy, child birth and motherhood. Feed my family with love, feed my children with love, and most importantly feed myself with love- because without self-love you cannot truly give the best version of yourself to the ones you love around you.
Love will get you through anything.
So wish me luck guys. I’m only human and have a vast amount of thoughts, what-if scenarios and emotions running through me going into this next chapter of my life, but I do know this: I can fucking do it.